Monday, November 29, 2010
"It's Not You, It's Me."
Have you ever done something entirely out of character, something u wouldn’t have thought u would do in a million years in fear of crossing your personal “red zones” but for some strange reason, u feel no guilt or remorse after , to the contrary , you feel excited and intrigued?!
Something even though sounds simple and normal for some, ends up changing you as a person, not because of “that something” per say , but because it makes you realize that you might not really know who you really are and what you are capable off?!
I had one of those “something” moments recently.
Back tracking a little here: 3 years ago I wrote a post (never been kissed) complaining to Saudi and the City readers about never being really kissed and contemplating the reasons behind it. I concluded the post with the following (in hindsight, naive) revelation; “A first kiss should be and with someone special because it will either be a moment I will cherish or regret forever , and I definitely want “That Thing”.
Fast forward back to the present: scrap everything I said earlier about waiting for that thing, that person ! More like jumping in with someone I barely know, and to make matters worse, the little that I do know about that person doesn’t fit into anything I am looking for. To make matters worser (it’s a word NOW), I have no intention of stopping!
To the contrary, I not only want to continue to cross my lines, I wanna skip and jump over them!! (Can’t stop singing Skip a dee doo, skip a dee day)
When that person realized my lack of experience and “Game” to say the least , he held back and asked me a question that resonated with me to a point that made me pick up my computer , write this post and get reacquainted with my beloved and sadly neglected blog.
He paused, and in an utter confused and slightly mortified tone asked “WHY ME”?
The question really caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to respond to it at the time! Why him, and what was so special about that particular person that he was able to push my limits, make me blow caution and reason to the wind ,surrender to the moment and yearn for more to come?!
As much as I would like to inflate that person’s ego and credit him for that transition, I sadly can’t! Not because he wasn’t special enough, he surely was…..still is…BECOMING MORE, but because the real person I have to credit for this momentous and very uncharacteristic shift was none other than this Dazed & Confused gal.
That person wasn’t the reason behind that change, more like the trigger to an inevitable bomb that was doomed to explode!
I have recently transitioned into a new phase of my life,one I am not particularly happy with. To make matters worsest (YES another WORD), I just realized that my 30s are swiftly creeping up and I have little to show for it :(
I haven’t lived , I haven’t messed up, I haven’t failed drastically to pick myself up. I haven’t done things that I am extremely proud of nor have i done things I extremely regret!
However, what really hit home 4 me was when I realized that I haven’t felt a passion that consumed me, a passion that makes me smile all day, a passion that makes my stomach turn unstoppably, a passion that makes me think inappropriate thoughts while I am at a meeting, a passion that paints a stupid shy grin on my face all day.
Throughout my 28 year of existence , I haven’t felt the passion I have always been aching to feel despite my religious constraints, despite my logic, despite my nature and despite what i believe is wrong and right.
I couldn’t risk not feeling that passion, those highs and lows.
I couldn’t risk missing the journey along my path because that journey despite its bumps and sharp turns is exciting, is beautiful and it makes u feel alive :)
If I had the ability to turn back time to the moment he asked me the infamous “WHY ME” question, I wouldn’t have panicked and I would have simply said; IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.
Gives the phrase an entire new meaning, don’t you think?!
P.S : I did suck, so I stopped and asked for directions !!
P.S.S: NO PUN INTENDED !!!